Climbing My Mountain

In two days, I will begin a journey to the mountains to stay in the cabin by myself. This cabin, booked just last week, was supposed to be my honeymoon. Just two days later, I learned that the person I loved and had spent the last two years of my life with, did not feel the same way. Rings were already bought, a small ceremony planned, and excitement of a future living happily ever after was in the air. And in an instant, the wind was knocked out of me. Once again I find myself trying to pick up broken pieces of my already fragile  heart and glue them back together. Once again, I’m left with unsanswered questions, emotions reeling and a need to trust God like never before.

I know He has a plan, and I know that He loves me, and I know that He is always working in my life so that through any experience, whether good or bad, He will be glorified…if only I trust Him.

But this is where I have always struggled, and I know He knows, and I know His grace is sufficient.

I believe that He’s teaching me something. Too much in my life have I placed my own value in what a man has thought of me. I give and give of myself until I lose myself in the process, just so I can make someone else happy. I KNOW this, yet I repeatedly do it.

I’m positive this stems from something in my childhood, and I could probably see a psychiatrist and they could probably have a field day with me, but I’m not going to do that.

I’m going to that mountain-top alone, because for the first time in my life, I’m actively seeking Him. And I felt immediately that this was what I was supposed to do. God knew before I ever hit the confirm reservations button that this was going to happen, He knew when I unchecked the option for travel insurance.

I know I can seek God anywhere, and I have been. I know that He has never left my side, throughout all of my mistakes, but I feel Him leading me there.

So, I’m stepping out of my comfort zone. I’m traveling to unkown place, and alone. With only myself, my Bible, a few good books, coffee, and a heart that’s willing and ready to spend time in Him, and Him alone.

He proposed to me before He ever knit me in my mother’s womb.

And even though I said ‘yes’ early on, I’ve never fully committed to our relationship.  In all His grace and all His mercy, He’s loved me anyway.

For your Maker is your Husband—the Lord of hosts is His name—and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth He is called.-  Isaiah 54:5

Yes…my Maker is my Husband, and after all these years together,  it’s time we took our honeymoon.

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10 thoughts on “Climbing My Mountain

  1. I love this. I’m praying for you! I feel so much peace that this is what God wants you to do! I’m excited to hear from you when you get back! I know He is going to reveal so much to you! Love you!

  2. You could not have put better words together. How blessed you are…. how very blessed. I am proud. I’ve known you for much of your journey. A banquet awaits you, …. Served by a KING.

  3. God has already filled you with His strength to take this journey by his side and meet Him on the mountain top! You’re gonna find peace in that cabin like you have never known. I’m praying for you and I know God is preparing you for a major blessing!!

  4. Beautiful attitude, and attitude counts for so much.

    I can relate to your loss, as a similar experience happened to me back in 1997, a broken engagement just three weeks before my wedding. I blogged a little about this very thing just a few weeks ago, and how important it is to take the necessary time to get over such losses, before moving on.

    All the best and may you feel God’s presence like never before.

    • Oh my … I so wrote the wrong year and I promise I’m not dyslexic. It was not 1997, but 1977! Quite a LONG time ago, but I can still recall the way it felt.

  5. Pingback: Beautiful Mess | A Heart Like Hers: Becoming Ruth

  6. So brave of you to share your story.

    I think / believe that God/ The Universe has a plan for each of us and we are all here to learn something. By the same token, I also believe that God gave us the ability to think, which ultimately leads us to different paths whenever tragedy strikes.

    After my break up, I wandered for a while but in my case, meditation, prayer, yoga, energy healing and EFT helped. (Emotional Freedom Technique healing)

    Of course, to each his/ her own…and everyone will respond to things differently. It’s important to find out what works for you.

    I can fully relate to what you’re saying – how you give and you give and you give and you know it needs to stop and yet you still give to someone who doesn’t offer the same in return. Been there, done that…

    I had problems with my self-worth. And because of that, I allowed people to walk all over me and I allowed myself to be in situations where I was the one giving so much because I felt like I needed to so that someone would love me.

    What I like to say these days is, spiritual awakening starts when sh*t hits the fan and you can’t take it anymore. 🙂 – A dash of humor doesn’t hurt, right?

    You have your trust and faith in God. Now, have trust, faith and love in yourself, too.

    xo Dylan

    • Thank you for your encouraging words Dylan! It’s been hard. Haven’t even been able to write here again because I have definitely been in a spiritual winter. The thing about winter, is we can always have hope of spring coming. I’m waiting on my spring. It’s been the longest winter ever. But I do believe it is all for a reason, and through this, I’ve become closer to God. He’s teaching me a lot about myself, I’m finally listening. I always thought I did love myself, but now I know that I haven’t, if I had, I wouldn’t allow the things I have allowed. Learning all I need is God, and that I am worthy because the Holy Spirit lives inside me. So glad you commented, your words were needed today.
      -Melanie

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